Things that have got on my t*ts this week

1)      Pulled pork. Why ‘pulled’? Why not just pork? Pulled from where exactly? The bone? A bin? A bar? Is it slaggy pork? The kind that needs to ring it’s mum and tell her it won’t be home tonight? What has happened to all the regular pork? The one with morals and without unnecessary verbs in their past participle form attached to it. And if attaching verbs to meat is a new thing we’re doing, at least make it a chipper proactive verb without dregs of reluctance attached to it. For instance, “Can I have some ‘achieved steak’ please, and my friend will have the ‘entertained chicken’.”

2)      And on that note , people who call themselves ‘Foodies’. As in, “Oh God, Jeremy and I are suchhhhh foodies, we just love to eat really good food. It’s rarrrlarrrr important to us.” IT’S IMPORTANT TO ALL OF US, YOU BELLS. Aside from those with mental issues, who isn’t in to food, exactly? Who actively seeks out shit, crap tasting things to eat, Toby’s Carvery customers notwithstanding?  Hell, I’m pretty fond of air but I don’t post pictures on Instagram of various instances of atmosphere with a natty ‘Xpro II’ filter on it with titles like “Get in my lungs! #nomnom”. Have a cheese toastie and zip your pretentious organic cake holes.

3)      Washing powder with names like ‘Blue Jasmine & Black Diamond’. Firstly, no one believes that there are actual precious gems in there. If there were, then people all over the world would be proposing to their partners with value packs of Daz, and ‘Blood Diamond’ would have been set in a laundrette in Hull. Secondly, what the frigging mcfrigbag does ‘Black Diamond’ smell like? Proctor & Gamble may as well issue a fragrance called ‘White Bollard and Medium Sized Plate’ for all the recognition it offers. I would feel far happier if the fragrances made my clothes smell of things I could appreciate. For instance ‘Definitely haven’t been on the floor under a damp towel next to a gym sock that’s gone hard’ or a scent that I believe would finally offer a female version of the Lynx effect, ‘Clean with a hint of bacon’.

4)      Adverts telling me I am part of ‘Generation Easyjet’. I thought the Dark Ages sounded a depressing, but being told you are living in a time defined by aggressive women in orange scrunchies whose sole aim is to make you squish your handbag inside your suitcase like a Matrioshka-luggage-Britain’s-Got Talent-contortionist? That is a period of history that no one wants to be linked to. Not even Stellios. Sure, we all fly Easyjet, but no one is ever delighted about it. It’s like the flatulence in the lift of the aviation world; sometimes it happens but you wouldn’t gloat about it on Facebook. How else are we all meant to notch up the massive carbon footprint we are all under such pressure to create? Plus if I’m Generation Easyjet then I must be a bloody founding father of ‘The Age of the Pizza Express 241 Voucher’. Let them eat doughballs.