Merry New Yearrrrr

I can’t believe we’ve hit 2016. It sounds like the future. It should be a time full of drone dogs and robot dogs and other dog-based inventions and also toilet seats that put themselves down after men do whizzs’.

I’ve spent my New Year in Australia, home of melanoma and Nicole Kidman’s old face. My Aussie husband and I parked ourselves with his parents and celebrated our first anniversary under the Sydney sun.

We marked our special day by spending an afternoon at a fancy spa having massages. What better way is there to show your husband you love him than by paying another woman to rub him for 90 minutes? I tipped her well. He said he didn’t.

We then took a road trip down to Melbourne along the coastal route. The South Coast of Aus is spectacular. Around every turn there’s another little town with incredible sapphire lagoons and a satisfyingly silly name. Merimbula. Narooma. Fannywang. Poonbag. Humpyknobknob. I think I’ve spelt them all correctly.

At one point we to took a break in a town to stretch our legs, peered over a little pier, and below us saw three enormous sting rays. Now, in the UK, if you take a quick break on a road trip the only wildlife you’re likely to come across is a mouse in a Little Chef, and that’s if you’re lucky. And yet right in front of us here, gliding along, were three bloody massive bloody sting rays. Who accidentally sees sting rays? I was the most excited person I’d seen since my husband met Anna, the masseuse.

For New Year’s Eve itself we headed to a music festival, camping with some friends. I don’t like to boast but I’m a pretty experienced camper (2x overnight stays at V Festival in Chelmsford – the focus of Bear Grylls’ new survival series), but camping in 41 degree heat and dealing with composting toilets was one of the toughest things I’ve done in my life, and I’ve played Jongleurs on a Saturday night.

Thankfully our friends’ kids were there to lighten the horror by saying cute little kid things. Like when lovely little Juliette, (six years old, loves ballet and fairies) said she didn’t want to use the boys toilets because the boys toilets “smell like dick”. My year has peaked already.

Happy 2016 you idiots!
Here’s to a year of good health and great haircuts.