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Much like Bob, I don’t like Mondays

I’m in a terrible grump. I can tell this because I am listening to ‘Adele’. And if you hear ‘Set Fire to Rain’ coming from a room, you know there are only two possibilities for what is going on in within those walls: melancholy or heavy petting. So unless my stuffed toy, Tony Bear, has intentions of which I am unaware, clearly I am having a bad day.

I think it is to do with my fella being in Libya for work. He says it’s for work anyway. Perhaps it’s just an elaborate way to escape hearing ‘Rolling in the Deep’ for a bit.

It’s proving pretty tricky to get in contact with him ‘cos apparently they have more important things to sort out over there than a stable broadband connection. When we did manage to speak, it was by satellite phone with a large delay resulting in us talking over one another as if we were taking part in a bad local radio phone-in. It was hard going especially when I kept treading on his serious sentences of ‘I can hear gunfire near to our compound’ with things like ‘I have my hair in a very pretty bun’.

Because it’s not as if I’m not interested in the uprising. I have me opinions. Hell yeh I do. Not to get too political on your arses, but in my mind Gaddafi is not only a war criminal and a tyrannical dictator, but he’s now also directly culpable for me not having any lights in my bathroom because I’m not tall enough to change the bulb. So I wish he’d just admit to being the loser, so my boyfriend with the long arms can return, because frankly, while thrilling at first, weeing in the dark is losing its novelty.

Right, there’s only one thing for it to elevate my inner grouch. A cup of tea, some spooning with Tony Bear and a musical change to some 80s Whitney Houston. Once I’ve done another head-torch enabled wee.

Balls and the City

So, I am back from New York. I spent a week there on holidays with my Aussie fella so we could meet up with his parents who were visiting on a North American tour. As in a guided tour. They weren’t touring in the same way that Duran Duran tour. Although it would be awesome to have Simon Le Bon as your father-in-law. I met Simon Le Bon once. He has a big face, but his morals seemed OK. As such, I danced naked for him using a cello as a prop. It was a weird time in my life.

But away from stringed instruments and back to NYC. It was really rather wonderful. They have a summer over there involving warmth.

I also visited some Jewish delis that serve Matzo Ball soup. This is a clear soup that is more than delicious enough to slurp on its own, but some wonderful Jewish cook at some point decided that it needed jazzing up. I’m reliably informed the thought process was,

“Sure, the kids are lapping up the soup, but it’s a bit ordinary-looking. Hmm, what will make it ‘pop’? I know! I shall whack a dumpling the size of Simon Le Bon’s head in the middle!”

I think more things would benefit from the addition of a dumpling. Like pizza. Or tax returns. If HMRC sent out free dumplings for every form returned, I’d consider declaring my underground Essex arms dealership.

But balls aside, I had a charming time cycling through Central Park, wandering through The Village and greeting cab drivers with “Corner of Lexington and 43rd please, but take Madison because the traffic on 5th is God-darned awful,”

So back to London it is. And it’s not all that bad. As I write this, I can see that the depot my flat overlooks has gained another Biffa bin during my absence. Funny how life just ploughs on without you.

Exit, pursued by a Badger

So, ‘Show Me The Funny’ is over for me. But I did make it to the semi-finals, which isn’t bad for someone who asked if the ‘judge with the big hair and glasses’ was Dame Edna Everidge during the first gig.

I learnt a fair deal during the two months of filming, like ‘never give-up midway through a gig’, ‘don’t let nerves consume you’, and most importantly, ‘when embraced, Cannon or Ball are breast height’.

It’s certainly made me more fearless. I can’t imagine that any audience will ever give me the shitters in the way that one including Copstick’s brutal putdowns , Alan Davies’ paternal look of disappointment as well as ten cameras did. Unless they are all wasted squaddies, baying for boobs. Or worse still, e-numbered up teenagers, baying for… well, for boobs again.

Not to scare you or anything, but I feel compelled to point out that it can hardly be a coincidence that on the day when I get shafted from SMTF, Gaddafi’s regime falls.

Happenstance? Unlikely.

These things happen in threes. If I were Jedward, I would be watching my back. (Or getting the other twin to watch it for me. Or asking Louie Walsh to.) Cos otherwise they too, may face a violent gun-fuelled over-throw attempt / a chest-based embrace with Bobby Ball’s ‘tache.

xxx

Hola!

Wowee, what a few weeks. ‘Show Me The Funny’ is airing and the response I’ve had from people has been acers! My favourite incident was when I heard a disembodied voice yell ‘Busy, busy, busy’ whist I was queuing in McDonalds. After briefly coming to conclusion that God is both a big light-entertainment fan and a resident of a burger chain in East London, it turned out the voice had actually come from some people in their car, picking up their drive-thru order. They yelled some more through the little serving window, I yelled back through the little serving window, and then we all realised we’d ordered the same flavour milkshake. As you can imagine, much milk-based-beverage hilarity ensued.

In other news, people keep telling me off for not having a list of upcoming gigs on here, but I will do. Soon. Pinky promise. And until then, my Facebook page is the best place to see what I’m up to.

That’s all for now peoples. To anyone who has sent me nice messages that have made me snort; thanks a million. To anyone who has sent me dirty messages that have made me tut; stop it this instant*.

*Don’t stop it.

Hello!

Hello! Welcome to my brand new sparkly website! It’s pretty, isn’t it? I like my flowery dress on the homepage. I wanted more flowers everywhere, but was told Cath Kidston was threatening litigation proceedings, so I had to back off.

It’s been a busy few months, what with quitting my grown up job and taking part in ITV’s Show Me the Funny (Monday’s @ 9pm ITV1 from July 18). So apparently, I am now a full time funny person which is pretty ace.

It’s hard work. They don’t tell you that. You have to drink loads of lattes while looking intently at the screen of your Mac Book Air. Unfortunately, I don’t like coffee or have a Mac Book Air, so I’m making do with a glass of Nesquik , and a notepad that comes with a mini pencil that cleverly hides in its spine. I like to pretend that the pencil is actually a tiny Excalibur that I must heroically heave from its special dwelling place before any writing can commence. Sometimes I do a Sharapova-esque groan at the same time to make the scene more realistic. I spend a lot of time alone.

Anyway, please have a look around my new internet home. I hope to get a list of where I’m gigging up and running on here soon, so in the meantime ‘like’ my page on Facebook or follow me on Twitter to find out where I’ll be, and more importantly what my ‘hilarious’ neighbours with the full sized plastic garden dwelling horse will dress him in next. Last week it was a bowler hat, so who knows what kind of wackiness next week will bring.

Hello!

This new website is very nearly almost ready. Please check back on Tuesday 12th July for more news…